A Step....

Every year, I go to a clothing exchange.  Women bring in all kinds of clothing.  All items are sold for a dollar each.  All the money goes to charity.  I love this event.

But this year was different.  This year, I donated so much more than I took away.  This year, I was honest with myself.

I have continued to gain weight.  Yes, it's my fault.  While I have a syndrome that makes weight an issue for me, I can't honestly say I did everything I was supposed to do.  When I was good, I was very good.  But when I was bad....

I could go on and on about excuses and emotional eating.  I could even go on about what I did right.  But that is not what this post is about.

This post is about the step I took today.

I gave away over 100 items of clothing.  100 items.  How embarrassing is that?  Who has 100 items to give away. 

I do.  I did.  I had 100 items of clothing to donate.  100 items of clothing I hoped to be able to wear one day.  I gave it all away.

There may be a day.  Oh I hope there is a day.  A day when that clothing will fit me.  But it doesn't now.  I hung in my closet day after day after day taunting me.  Reminding me of where I used to be.

I haven't given up.  That is still a hope--a goal.  But I didn't want to look at it anymore. 

I got rid of clothes that don't look right. Clothes that don't fit.  So many clothes that were dark and black.  Clothes that represented some future acceptance of myself.

Now I have a different closet.  I have clothes that actually have bright colors.  I have clothes that make me feel comfortable.  I have clothes that actual fit. 

And I have open space.  I have space for whoever I am.

I don't have an ideal body.  I'm overweight with curves and bumps where they shouldn't be.  But it's also my body.  It is still healthy.  It still gets me through the day everyday.  That reason alone should be a reason to appreciate my body.  I'm trying, but I'm not there. 

But today, I let go.  I didn't let go of who I hope to be one day.  I'm still working towards that.  Today I let go of the expectations and started working towards self acceptance.

I'm trying to like myself as I am today.  I'm trying to find those things that I love and respect about myself.  And that is enough--for now.