Friday, May 30, 2014

I Have No Idea

So many thoughts....  I'm not sure where to begin or where I will end up....  Sometimes it's best not to think, just write....

I've finally started the end.  Or, maybe more accurately, I've started the new beginning.  For years and years, I've tried.  I've tried to let go of the parts of my past that impacted me in such negative ways.  I made a ton of progress.  I had even reached a place of contentment in my life.  And after the ways I had been feeling, contentment felt like a victory.

But over time, I have realized that I deserve more than contentment.  We all do.  The difference is, I think I have the power within myself to move to that next level--the level of possible happiness.

I've taken the next step.  I met with someone who could help me find that power.  I've had the conversation with the person/people who are preventing me from that next step.  I've even packed away memories of times that seemed like happiness, but were not real.

It's been a hard day, but one that was needed.  I gave into it.  I cancelled my plans, I did what I needed for myself, and I relaxed.  I took a moment here and there to mourn what I have always known.  And while it caused me to feel sad in unexpected ways, I know that what I am doing is for the best.

And tonight, I sit on my deck.  I'm alone, but I'm surrounded by flowers and lights.  And that's the way it should be.  You see, I have discovered that I can be my own light.  My own inspiration.  The knowledge that while I need people in my life, I can be my own source of strength to keep moving forward.  And the flowers, well, they are the beauty of my world.  They are the reminder that beauty and grace and life are all around me.  I just need to remember to look up once in awhile. 

I've reached the end of this post.  Normally, I have some idea of what I might say as I send my thoughts through my keyboard and put that in my title. Tonight was different. Tonight was just a moment where I allowed my fingertips to take me where I needed to go.  I won't reread it.  I won't edit it.  I'll just send it out knowing it is the unedited and honest version of myself and where I am in this moment.

And in this moment, I am content, but optimistic....