Saturday, June 4, 2016

I'm Still Here

Please don't give up on me.  I'm still here.

I get to hide during the school year.  I am a teacher.  So many kids to love.  So much to be done.  I can hide safely within the walls of my job.  No one notices.

School lets out for the summer.  A time to relax suddenly becomes a time of anxiety.  Ridiculous, I know, but the mini panic attacks don't lie.  That fear/feeling of time slipping away before I even have a chance to do anything. Ironically, the only things that makes me feel better is sleeping.  Talk about time slipping away....

I shut down.  I don't mean to, but I do.  If I can just sleep for awhile.  If I can just ignore the world for awhile.  If I can just do what feels right for awhile.  Maybe if I can do all of this, the panic will go away.  The anxiety will lessen.  I'll be a nicer person. 

But it never works that way.  Instead, the guilt builds.  I need to sleep, but I shouldn't waste the time I have.  I need time to myself, but I can't stand to be alone.  And the panic and anxiety builds. 

I'm trying.  I'm really trying.  I'm trying to find myself in this mess.  I'm taking my meds.  I'm trying to balance my need to rest with my need to be productive.  I'm trying to see myself as worthy.  I'm trying to be enough for myself.  I'm trying to be me.

For anyone out there, please hear my plea. I'm here.  Mixed in with the panic, anxiety, and insecurity, I'm here.  I'm trying to swim to the surface.  I'm here.  Please don't give up on me.