I've always had dreams at night. Vivid dreams. Dreams that I remember and try to replay in the morning. Dreams that import portions of dreams I've had before. Dreams that I've acted out in my sleep. Dreams where my conscious and subconscious mind are both present.
And I've always believed in dreams. I've believed in the need for dreams. I am convinced that my subconscious mind is creating all of these vivid images to work through what I need my brain to release just so I can survive the next day.
But I've started having death dreams. It's scary when you watch yourself being submerged into a fiery inferno of a car crash. It's scarier still when you see death in your dreams three nights in a row. My conscious mind surfaced in everyone of those dreams and told me it wasn't real. It eased the fear, but I was still there.
So curiosity (fear?) got the best of me. I looked up what these dreams could mean. So many options and choices, but I think I found my reasons--a desire to escape from day to day life and the feeling of taking care the needs of others and neglecting the needs of myself.
I know both of these are true. I love my life. I love my job. But it's a (self imposed) challenging time. It's challenging because I can't settle. I have to keep reaching to do better, be better. What else can you do when you work with kids? It's not like you can have a bad day and just do the minimum to get by. During this time of year, I have over 100 kids who are depending on me every day. How do you say "No, not today."
The truth is you don't. You push through. You do more. You try to be more. You plan the week in advance, but you go through it one moment at a time adjusting those plans as you go. Because someone is going to need a hug. Someone is going to need a smile. Someone is going to need extra support. Someone is going to need something from you. And you have to be there in that moment.
So I'm willing to release it all in my dreams. I'm willing to let my brain go on overdrive and do whatever it needs to do at night to allow me to be there for those that need me.
And in a few weeks, when things have settled down a bit, my dreams and I will both relax a bit...I hope.